Why I Probably Had A Better Day At Work Than You

I saw this woman today.

J

Conversation at Work Today

Boss: Do you watch Saturday Night Live?

Me: Yes.

Boss: Do you know Stefon - the character played by Bill Hader?

Me: Yes.

Boss: You remind me of him.

This is Stefon.

I need a haircut.

Things I Wish I Wrote

The Shortest Horror Story Ever Written 

by Frederic Brown

The last man on earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock on the door.

The Dog Days of Veterans Day

It was 6 years ago today that my drama class did a terrible performance to commemorate Veterans Day. It wasn't offensive or anything, it was just skinny misfit kids shooting air rifles and falling dramatically to the ground.

For something more emotionally moving on this day, may I recommend these clips of soldiers returning home and their dogs' spirited reactions. I'm not sure if it's that time of the month or what, but the last one had me misting up. Isn't it just so cool that dogs remember us?

This one is basically a real-life version of the dog from Up!

Listen to those high pitched barks!

♥

Brad and I

I recently saw my first movie alone. I have eaten lunch and gone to concerts alone, but never a movie. Until last Friday.

I found the perfect movie - Moneyball. It had been out in theaters so long that everyone I know had already seen it (and there were good odds I could have a theater all to myself). It's also somewhat artsy, making it feel like a movie that is more OK to see alone than say, Footloose. Plus, as an A's fan I couldn't wait for the DVD release and consider myself a true fan.

I found a matinee that I could go to after work (I only work a half day on Fridays to be clear, I know the experience is not as socially acceptable if you're going alone on a Friday night). Unfortunately, that Friday the 22 minute trip ended up taking 45 minutes (I'm sure some part of hell involves waiting in LA traffic that never moves). I was already 15 minutes late when I arrived, so I hurried to the ticket counter, but my efforts were stymied by two grannies I got stuck behind in line. They had had arrived nearly an hour early to go see Footloose (notice, however, that they weren't alone).

By the time I raced to Theater 6, the movie had already started - the exact opposite of what I wanted (ideally, I would arrive a minute before previews so the lights would go down soon after but not so quick that I couldn't cast a few looks and fake a phone conversation pretending I was waiting on someone...just kidding, I'm not that insecure). I MIGHT HAVE SENT A FAKE TEXT THOUGH

It was so dark that I couldn't see any of the seats in the back section. Knowing if I sat on someone that would be the end of my solo moviegoing experiences, I panicked and sat in the first seat I saw. It ended up being the first seat on the left aisle of the back row of the front section. So everyone saw me come in. And everyone saw I was alone. Here's a graphic representation of what I imagine was going on in there:

Being so close, I had trouble enjoying the movie because my neck was at a 45-degree angle the entire time. Any action that took place on the right side of the screen I basically missed.

One day I'll do something that doesn't leave me soaked, drenched in awkwardness.

Oh Sheep!

This is a Photoshop project I did for class. Look for it at Redbox.

(click on it to see the full size)

 

I Made A Pumpkin

WILSOOOOOOOOOON!!!

???

The one time I decided to be social this semester, I missed one of the greatest baseball playoff games ever.

The evidence mounts in the case for never leaving the house.

Assumptions My Yearbook Photographer Made That I Did Not Correct

• I bedded hordes of Russian women during my escapades in St. Petersburg (for which I received a fist bump)
• I was recovering from a wild party last night (because I turned the wrong way once)
• I was a musician in a band (because of my hair)
  

I will never top this guy's impression of me to anyone, anywhere, ever.

??

What my 15-year-old sister did this weekend: went to a concert on a hotel rooftop (with a pool) in Las Vegas

What my 23-year-old self did this weekend: watched a PG comedy in theaters and carved a pumpkin

I feel like we're living each other's lives. Or I have no life.

?

I got a paper back this week. I got a B.

My classmate got an A-. She was high when she wrote the paper.

I think I might be doing something wrong. Or I'm really stupid.

hi remember me? i used to blog here.

Samson No More

Hell Fire Rained Down On My House!

I just got my first speeding ticket today. Pretty remarkable considering I've been driving for six years and have male hormones that constantly urge me to push it to the limit.

What I wanted to do/say to the cop:

Bryan Cranston ladies and gentlemen! That's how you win an Emmy. 

What I actually did:

Remained quiet and forlorn, which ended up getting him to knock it down from 16 over to 5. That or he thought I was a chick and didn't mind my AA cup.

Mor(m)ons

My least favorite part of Mormon culture (2nd least favorite - the strange obsession with The Emperor's New Groove - it was the 4th most popular movie among BYU students on Facebook! Ahead of Aladdin, ahead of Toy Story, ahead of all superior Disney/Pixar movies. Completely undeserved - a peculiar people indeed) is the invention of ridiculous games that could only possibly be thought up from the lack of time spent drinking, having sex, and general debauchery.

Text I received last night: 

Hey just a reminder of FHE tonight at 6:30. We'll be playing water kickball and then having a marshmallow gun fight!

Kill me now.

I Am My Hair

I originally grew my hair out because of this

but in reality I would settle for this

but instead I've ended up looking like this

That arm around me is a female's...but it's my sister.

I've been growing my hair out for a year and three months now, waiting for the day when it's going to finally look at least as half as good as those pictures above. I'm still waiting. And the longer I wait, the more prone I am to cut it off. Which would make it feel like the last 15 months were a waste of headspace.

Today, however, a female told me she loved my hair...and it wasn't my sister. So as long as that keeps happening...

Another Awkward Moment

I was watching a TV show in the dark

ê

My sister came in

ê

My sister turned on the lights

ê

Two men onscreen kissed

ê

My sister remarked how my pants were unbuttoned and unzipped

I could give you the full context which explains everything, but you've probably already made your judgments.

Cool video, even cooler song.

RIP The Graduate

My favorite band broke up today.  Life sucks sometimes.

No matter what happens, no one can ever take away the music. 

I get that the church is trying to capitalize on the popularity of The Book of Mormon musical, but these ads are just misleading.  Mormons just aren't this cool.

You Know Who You Look Like?

Someone told me I look like somebody again today, so I thought I'd compile a list of all the people who people have told me I look like.

Mat Hoffman, BMXer.  I was told this by the kid who always high at my high school, so I'm not sure he realized I really don't look like this guy.

Rob Thomas, formerly of Matchbox 20 and currently a solo artist who should do us all a favor and go back to his band.  My dentist's receptionist told me this one, and I kinda can see it, although I will never be caught dead in a sleeveless shirt because I want girls to focus on my personality and not like me just because of my body.

Ben from The Secret Life of the American Teenager.  I'm too lazy to look up his actor name, but I was weirdly told this by two different people.  It's probably my closest doppelganger.

Ashton Kutcher, actor/Tweeter/cougar hunter.  I think people mainly equate me with him because I have worn my hair long for most of my life, as has he.  His of course always looks better than mine.

This guy, Beach House.  This was the most recent one, and I'm somewhat flattered since he's in a band (=cool).  Unfortunately, I've never had this sort of picture taken with a girl.  

Probably because I take pictures like this.  Peeps...they tell great jokes!

This One's For You, Mother

If only guitar were this easy...

End of the World Confession

When I was 10, I had a crush on the youngest Hanson (far right).  I owned this album and would look longingly into 'her' eyes, admire 'her' beautiful hair, and imagine singing "MMMBop" together.  Then I found out 'her' name was Zac.  

My sexuality has been a mess ever since.

Low Budget, High Quality

I already loved this song, and now there's a video just as charming to go along with it.

One Month Later...

My sideburns finally grew back.

If my forlorn expression didn't tip you off, I'm still depressed that I shaved them off for nothing.

On the positive side, I feel manlier and did 90 push-ups today.  

I'm in a band...

I need to start a band, solely for the purpose of showcasing the awesome names I've come up with.

Shyamalan Twist

• Genre: post-hardcore/screamo
• 5-piece outfit (I'd be the quiet, unassuming bassist)
• Already have titles for two albums → 6th album - The Sixth Sense//final album - The Last Airbender 
• Our debut would be a critical darling, then each follow-up record would be progressively worse, until our last album hit rock bottom and even our biggest fans/apologists would have to stop pretending we're still good

The Royal Divorce

• Genre: emo 
• 3-piece outfit specializing in...what else? Breakup/love songs. (I'd be the primary songwriter, but my lack of experience in relationships would lead our guitarist to take over)
• Opportune time to start given the recent wedding
• We'd have a slew of catchy, royal-themed singles: 
• "I've Fallen For Pippa Middleton" 
• "Prince Harry, I'll Be Your Ginny" (a love song about another commoner hoping to become a royal. Add in the crossover with the Harry Potter crowd and you've got yourself a chart-topper)
• "William, Are You The Richest Bill?" (a comparison of William's wealth with Bill Gates')
• Our catalog would explode if William & Kate ever did call it quits due to gazillions of Google searches that would lead to our music

Tell me you wouldn't listen to those.

Work It Out

This is my workout jam right now.  By workout jam, I mean it's the song that helps me not quit as I do my measly 80 push-ups a day (2 sets of 40).  I was doing 2 sets of 25, but then a strong friend ("strong" in the literal sense - it's safe to say he does more than 80 push-ups a day) recommended I add a push-up a day to that total.  Well, 15 days later I maxed out at 40 and I've been there ever since.

But enough about my futile attempts to escape from this boyish body.  This song is good for an actual workout - how can you not be inspired to press on when the chorus kicks in with those scratchy vocals?

My body tells me no 

but I won't quit 

'cause I want more

These guys are from Orange County, and if my limited watching of the TV show taught me anything, it's that this song is probably referring to sex instead of exercise, but at the moment I like it as a counter to Bruno Mars' "The Lazy Song".

Oh, and this performance is absolutely filthy.  (I mean "filthy" in the positive sense, I don't know if I've mastered OC slang from my cousin yet).

Baby You Can't Drive My Car

I always get hit up by mass emails from classmates who I do not know asking for notes from a class they missed.     I never send notes back because 

1) my 5-year-old laptop is down to 30 minutes of battery life so I'm a pen-and-paper guy 

2) I've also sent these emails out and never got anything in return

Maybe what I was lacking was a good story though.  This is from a girl in my "Classic Rock of the Sixties and Seventies" class and I can't tell if she's joking, stoned, or serious.  Either way it is pretty entertaining.

Hey guys, I really hate to do this but I was wondering if anyone could please send me their notes from today?  

This morning my mom called and told me she accidentally ran over our cat with her hummer. Listening to classic rock, made me think of all the good times I had with Mr. Paws McCartney III, and I couldnt bare the thought of sitting through class only to be constantly reminded of the time we listened to Nashville Skyline on repeat (he loved dylan's country side). 

thanks,Claire

Left at the Altar

It's been a rough week (by first-world standards, it's not like I'm dying of hunger or anything). Things that have happened:

• I got rejected from my two dream internships
• My favorite band (The Graduate) cancelled their second straight show here
• One of my favorite bands (The Stills) broke up
• I learned a girl I like is attracted to aggressive men
• I'm losing another friend to marriage
• My professor thought I told her to go f*ck herself (see two posts down)
• My car battery died

The last one occurred at the most awkward time actually, right before I was heading that professor's class.  So I arrived 30 minutes late and she probably thought I was disrespecting her further.  Disaster.

Anyways, I had one thing to look forward to this week.  Coachella Music and Arts Festival.  I couldn't wait to release all this bad energy and fill my body with the good vibes that come from live music (and second-hand weed).  

The only issue was I didn't have a ticket.  Despite constant reminders from my roommate, I kept postponing buying them, since they took forever to sell out last year.  Well, this year they sold out in a week.

I found out shortly thereafter that one of my friend's classmates had bought tickets but they had to go on a mandatory field trip during that weekend so they'd gladly sell me them.  Unfortunately, this fell through when the trip became voluntary instead of mandatory.

Plan B.  There was a writing competition open to only USC students.  My stories get consistently praised in my fiction writing class so I submitted it in hopes of winning 2nd place ($500) or 1st place ($1000).  Unfortunately, I didn't win.

Now I was left to the black market - dirty, greasy scalpers.  The tickets, a $320 value, were going for around $500, which is over half of my savings.  Having been a scalper myself back in the day, I figured I could find a good deal.  I sent over 40 emails to Craigslist people.  Unfortunately, the responses I got were the following. 

1) no response 

2) a request to stop calling their # because their friends put it up there as a hoax telling people they had 20 tickets they wanted to move at face value right away 

3) a request to wire the money to an "account" in Great Britain (they had moved since they bought the tickets)

By this time, Coachella was a week away.  I was growing despondent, until our school made an announcement.  They had 10 Coachella tickets, and they were giving them away for FREE (!) to the 10 people in the craziest costumes.  Hope was restored!

I immediately began pondering costume ideas - an oxygen tank? Stilts? Headgear?  Then it came to me.

Cross-dressing is always a good bet, right?  Let me break this down:

• The costume is loosely based around Ariel getting married from The Little Mermaid  
• Wedding dress - paid $25 for it on Craigslist, drove 20 minutes to pick it up from a stoner who had inherited it from a storage shed he bought (look at that train!)  
• Dyed hair - it's not particularly visible, but I'm supposed to be a ginger like her (it came out more pink - I feared people would think I was imitating P!nk, my least favorite pop artist)
• Fishbowl - complete with two goldfish (Sebastian and Flounder) that I bought from Petsmart that day
• Large fork - to brush my hair with
• High heels - yeah, I went there

I even shaved my sideburns, so you could say I was in it to win it.  There were about 75 kids dressed up, but I liked my chances, especially after I made the judges laugh by telling them I was dressed up as the Disney heroine my father never let me be as a child at Halloween.  

They started announcing the winners, asking them to come up on stage, and after the first few, people began to boo because they were choosing people in the worst costumes - they were all dressed up in black with various lame accessories.  I started to panic, but my friend assured me they were playing a prank on these 10, since their costumes were so obviously bad.  When they called the 10th person on stage, they then told everyone to look behind them. As we turned around, a group of people on top of a building unfurled this flag

   

I didn't know what it meant, but then my friend said "Skull & Dagger" and I became sick to my stomach.  Skull & Dagger is a secret honor society made up of USC students that has pulled multiple pranks here (they once cellophane wrapped every bike rack on campus, with the bikes still intact).  This was their biggest (and cruelest) one yet.  You see, there were no actual tickets.  It was all a hoax.  We dressed up for nothing.

I was so blindsided.  I barely slept the night before because I so nervous about the contest (it was like I was actually getting married).  I had gone to such extreme lengths to secure this ticket that I wanted so bad, and it turned out I was a fool (and dressed like one as well).  I just was dumbfounded.  Out of all the plausible scenarios I had gone through in my head, this one had never crossed my mind.

I didn't think things could get worse until a flash mob started right in front of me. Our emotions could not have been on more opposite sides of the spectrum. After they finished, they approached me and another victim (he was wearing a banana suit) inviting us to their dance show.  They asked us to take the flyer, but the banana suit kid wouldn't take it because he "didn't know which events were real anymore".  My feelings exactly.

Once I got my legs working again, I high-heeled it back to my car in my dress (with catcalls of "I do!" from Latino men in cars), went home, and ordered pizza, and sat and ate staring blankly at the TV.  I was just so shell-shocked and spent that I couldn't bring myself to search for tickets further.  I think God had done enough to send me a message that I wasn't going to this.

Of course, the one seeming highlight of this was that I got quoted in the school paper.  But of course, keeping in line with my life being 10x more awkward than any average human being's, they quoted me as "Nick David" in the print edition.  

So instead of watching Arcade Fire perform songs from their Grammy-winning album, I'm going to spend the weekend growing back my sideburns and feeding these stupid anorexic goldfish that don't eat their food.

This is what I get for leaving my apartment.

Take that, Abercrombie

Accomplished a life goal today - tore a knee on a pair of my jeans.  The best part is it was all natural - a fall while skateboarding (yeah I just learned how to, I feel 10% cooler already).  Punk rock.

Only Thing I Know Is Awkward Silence

Since high school, I've carried around a certain stigma - that I'm awkward.  I mean, my nicknames in high school were Awk and Mormon, both of which are very awkward.

What people don't realize, however, is that the reason I'm so awkward is because I am subjected to more awkward situations than any other breathing entity that I know of.  

Case in point - this week, I received the following email from my professor.

Nick, 

I was hoping to catch you up after class to address an issue which disturbed me yesterday in class, but you fled before I had a chance to catch your attendance. 

I'm all for students bonding and for forming codes of communication within the class arena, and I have no objection to the private corner you and Christof have formed, but yesterday I couldn't help noticing you making a vulgar gesture (which you must have thought was private between the two of you) in response to a remark I made in class. The gesture (involving one's arm being slapped and raised at the elbow) is generally meant to communicate "F*** you", and I need to put you on notice that I, nor anyone else in the class, can tolerate that kind of behaviour. Really disappointed in you.

Unfortunately, this was her interpretation of me and this kid flexing our "muscles" (we are both skinny runts) while cupping our hands over them.  To prevent another awkward interpretation, our hands were on our muscles, not each other's.  

You see, though?  I encounter more of these types of situations than is healthy. And people wonder why I never want to leave the house.

April Fools

I have often been made a fool of on this day, mainly due to some deranged, twisted members of my family.  I myself am actually terrible at playing pranks on people - my last one, I tried to surprise a mission companion by hiding melted chocolate under his sheets, but he discovered it before he got into bed and got upset because he had just washed his sheets the day before. Here are some better pranks that have involved me in some way or another:

• Age 2 - I was my parents' first child, and naturally adored, so when my mom woke my dad up April Fools morning at 3AM and told him I wasn't breathing, he literally leaped out of bed and ran to my room, freaking out for a few moments before my mom let him in on the joke, whereupon he collapsed onto the floor.

• Age 11 - I owned a medieval sword that I had bought while we lived in Prague, and I hung it proudly on my wall. . April Fools morning, my mom came in to wake me up for school, but not before dropping the sword on the floor.  I was stirred awake by the sound, and looked down from my bunk bed to see my mom lying on the ground next to the sword, moaning and holding her hand over her eye.  I leaped out of bed much like my father nine years earlier and went to go comfort her before realizing I had been duped so I instead kicked her.  I hadn't even noticed the ketchup she used for her "bloodied" hand in it (she kind of goes all out).

• Age 20 - I was in Russia on my mission and the emails I'd received from my sister made it sound like she was having a hard time at her new high school.  I was concerned for her, but I never felt more concern than her April Fools day email.  See for yourself below:

Nick, 

I have somthing to tell you. you have to promise you wont tell anyone. I havent told anyone yet. I dont know how to and i am so embarased. Im pregnant. I know its shocking. I can't belive I let myself do this but there was just this one boy and i really liked him and it only happend once. but once was enough i guess. i took a pregnancy test yesterday and it came out positive. im all alone and i dont know who i can tell. I dont know how to tell mom and dad or if i even should. :s help!! im freaking out. i hope you will understand and know that i didnt mean for this to happen. please pray for me and tell me what i should do about mom and dad!! there gunna kill me.  

i love you. 

Quite convincing, eh?  It's so raw that even now I'm not sure how she captured such an authentic tone (the writing only accounted for half of the effectiveness, however - the plausibility of this happening to the rebellious child of the family also made it very believable). I was about to hit reply and respond with something about how God still loves harlots when I noticed the date on the top of the email and let out a huge sigh of relief.  I've never been more scared for someone than I was during those 30 seconds.

To finish, I have to show one of my brother's favorite videos.  APRIL FOOLS! It's my favorite.

The Boys of Summer

It's baseball season again, which makes me very happy.  My dad and I have a lifelong goal to see a game in every ballpark, and this has stalled in recent years.  We hit a lot of the coast states, so now we're left with finding ways to find ourselves in Kansas City or Milwaukee.  So far this has been unsuccessful.  It doesn't help that we live in baseball-less Utah.

Baseball factors greatly into my post-retirement plans.  I want nothing more than to become an old-timer with season seats, eating peanuts, listening to my radio, and lecturing kids to get off their phones and appreciate the game.

I found the video below funny, but I feel it's probably not as funny to people without baseball knowledge.

Spring Breakdown

It is my spring break this week - it's been pretty wild.  Highlights: buying a fantasy baseball magazine & going to the beach, only to find it overcast for the hour I was there, then having to leave right as the sun came out. Fun fun fun!  Also, I'm growing a mustache, which is undermining the little self-confidence I possess.  

Anyways, since I don't have much to blog about, I thought I'd write about my trip last spring break.  I for some reason decided I wanted to visit the state of Washington, but that I wanted to waste a day and a half of my life on a train.  I got the idea from a random email that offered a card that cost $20 but saved you $15 if you bought an Amtrak ticket, so you only had to save $5 more to break even.  Of course, I never used the card again, but I did get an interesting trip out of it.

I should note that I like trains, as much as you can like a form of transportation - I've ridden slick ICE Trains in Germany and sung Christmas carols on ghetto Russian passenger trains (responses: "Fuck off!" - a Merry Christmas to you too!).  So I wanted to test out American trains and see what all the (lack of) fuss was about.  

I boarded in Seattle, and was pleased to be on the upper level (there's no real benefit like there is w/ a double-decker bus - it's just nice to be higher).  I was pleased to be seated next to no one.  This is because there's an interesting crowd who rides trains - it's a combination of people who live in towns where a train stop is closer than an airport and people who are legitimately afraid to fly.  So it's not like I don't mind associating with men in flannel shirts and slightly paranoid people, but I do mind sharing a seat with them.  

When we finally embarked, it was less epic than expected (it was more like a tiny jerk instead of a steam whistle signaling my departure as beautiful women chased the train down the platform until they could see my beautiful face no longer).   

I brought about four books for the 35-hour trip, figuring the passing scenery would provide a wonderful backdrop while immersing myself in fictitious worlds. Unfortunately, before I could get to that, I had to read a book for my Soviet History class.  Even more unfortunate, this book was written by someone whose intelligence level I can never even hope to approach, and as a result, I would

read two pages à realize I hadn't understood anything à go backà read those pages again more carefully à come to the same result

This pattern continued on and off for 35 hours, at which point I finally finished the book.  

I do feel the need to convey how long 35 hours is, especially when you are indoors in a confined space for that long (there were short smoke breaks, but I was always too scared I’d wander off and miss the train, leading me to begin a new life as a fisherman in the port town we were stopped in).  35 hours is unbelievably long – the train left at 9am, and as I was getting ready to go to sleep at 9pm, I realized only a third of the trip had passed – even when I woke up at 9 the next morning, there was still a whole 12 hours left until we reached LA.  

I associated with fellow passengers on this trip - the most interesting was definitely an Iraq War veteran I shared lunch with at a little cafe on the train.  He was the only surviving member of his battalion, who were all on an armored vehicle that hit a land mine.  He now received some sort of veteran's compensation for the rest of his life, and was taking the train to see some of his friends.  I must say I felt humbled for what this kid had been through and witnessed already at such at a young age (he was only a couple years older than me).  

I do recommend the trip, solely for the sights.  The train traverses through some of the most beautiful terrain America has to offer.  You go through the thick, lush forests of Oregon onto the wide pastures of Salinas Valley and down a beautiful stretch of untouched California beach front, all while passing through tiny little towns you'll never hear about in the newspaper.  It's really breathtaking - it feels like you have a front-row seat to a TV screen that is continuously broadcasting unedited scenes from the Planet Earth series.

Next time you have 35 hours to spare, this is a worthwhile way to spend it.

See This Movie

Part of my Narrative Studies major means I get to take film classes, which is awesome because you know, we're kinda the best film school in the nation (and it's kinda super easy to sit and watch movies).  Anyways, this past week we were introduced to my favorite film of the semester, a documentary called Crazy Love.  

It could not be more appropriately titled - it is literally the craziest love story I have ever heard/seen to the point where I would not believe it if it wasn't non-fiction.  I don't want to give it away because there are so many twists and turns.  It is on Netflix Instant so there is no excuse not to see this right now!  You will not regret it.

Internshits

As I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life this summer, I'm going through the treacherous process of applying to internships.  This week, a bunch of companies came to our school and made presentations about why we would want to work for them, and while I was sizing up the competition (kid in a suit with white socks? non-social Asians galore? yeah, I looked pretty good in comparison) I couldn't help but notice all these companies wanted us to work for them for free.

I don't know who came up with that idea, but it's a pretty terrible one.  Even worse was whoever came up with the idea that students had to take a college course in conjunction with their internship.  Now not only do I have dangerously low motivation while performing menial office tasks, but I have to waste 2 credits on it...instead of educating myself in the art of sailing, guitar playing, or any of the other 2 unit classes that will help me bolster my resume...with the ladies.

So not only are you not getting paid, but you're essentially paying to work and you have to write various papers about your internship experience for the class.  How did you get that big of a shaft? that's what she said  It is completely baffling how we got to this point.

And I've heard very disturbing rumors from my elders about the c word lately, so I could really use the money to save up before the teet runs dry.  (definition of the c word - cut, as in cut off) 

Many of the companies were saying they can't afford to pay interns because of the recession (even $8/hour? really? would that be making a killer dent?). Maybe it's payback/justified for our generation since we get our news, music, TV shows, etc. for free.

Still, on donut runs, I'd like to think "this job sucks" because I am a lowly pawn who gets no respect, instead of "this job sucks" because I'm being paid less than a sweat-shopper.

My Stupid Mouth

I am slowly turning insane.  

I made the mistake of catching a clip of some weird addictions show where the woman habitually ate foam insulation.  Now I can't get the sensation of how that must feel in your mouth of out my head - I keep imagining the taste of it in my mouth when I touch anything that resembles it.  It's been more than a month and I can't stop.  It's getting to the point where I feel the need to try it so it will be over.

I need an intervention.

Three AM Thoughts

The thing about late-night posts as a Mormon is that you don't have any excuse for any rambling/uninteresting/racist thoughts you may post late at night because you're never hyper-caffeinated, drunk, or under the influence of anything (EXCEPT LIFE!).  So here are my late-night stone cold sober, random thoughts:

• As a Mormon, I took interest in an interview with Rachel Bilson (of The OC fame) mentioning she had Mormon friends and had even been to church once.  I mention this because there is a vacancy in my female celebrity crush - previously occupied by Hilary Duff and most recently Natalie Portman, these women have decided to rip out my heart and get engaged (and pregnant in Natalie's case - double shot to my heart).  So I'm on the prowl for a new impossible love interest.  I am considering Ms. Bilson but Kristin Kreuk (pictured in all her glory below), who I just saw on Chuck, has me intrigued.  She is literally the PERFECT blend of Asian-American-ness.  I'll keep everyone posted.  In case you were wondering, my male celebrity crush of Taylor Kitsch remains constant.

• I am not minding this season of American Idol.  I find Steven Tyler incredibly entertaining, which is interesting because I've never been smitten by Aerosmith's music, but his mannerisms and spontaneity keep me watching to see what he does next.  He brings back some of Paula's zaniness that was sorely missing last season.  Also, J-Lo in HD is mind-boggling - the woman doesn't have a flaw!  

• I am growing to enjoy Community more this season - the most recent Dungeons & Dragons episode was awesome, which should be sign enough to watch this show because it made that topic interesting.  Also, 30 Rock (along with Modern Family) is the most consistent comedy - I find myself laughing out loud multiple times a episode, something I can't say for The Office mainly because I can't stand Erin and Gabe separately, let alone together.  

• I won my first contest! Actually, that's a lie, I won a teddy bear at a middle school Valentine's Day dance, but this one is legit.  I won a one-year subscription to Rdio, a music streaming site that can also stream from your phone.  I'm pretty proud of myself and excited to get into all the Coachella artists I need to check out.

• Watching various concerts on palladia (if you don't know about this channel, they basically show concerts all the time - I'm in love) has me convinced I need to see 1) La Roux and 2) Paul McCartney in concert.  The clock's ticking on the latter so I should get moving.  

• I am going to a friend's wedding on Saturday and am having a facial catastrophe - why is it though that at all weddings I've been to/pictures I've seen acne seems to disappear for a day?  Maybe I just know too many beautiful, clear-skinned people.  I have a feeling on my wedding day, I'll have a redux of the monster that took up residence on my nose a couple years ago (that's the monster in action in the picture above and yes, I have pictures of the most significant zits in my life).

• I'm pained that Justin Bieber was booed at a Knicks game - why the hate New Yorkers?  He's such a nice kid. 

• I don't think I've ever been less excited for a Super Bowl.  I just don't like the Packers and I take personal issue with Ben Roethlisberger and his dealings with women.  Plus, halftime is The Black Eyed Peas - Fergie is terrible live and I have not enjoyed the singles from their last two albums.  My predictions: Packers lead at halftime, I go to the bathroom during BEP's set and miss Fergie's wardrobe malfunction (this happened to me w/ Janet Jackson and I have never forgiven myself for the opportunity I missed to see guilt free nudity), and the Steelers win.

The Future Freaks Me Out

A while back, I was trying to pick a major and was told taking a future employment test would help me decide.  Here were my results for the top ten occupations I should consider based on my interests/strengths.

1) College Instructor

2) Special Education Teacher

3) Social Worker

4) Administrative Assistant

5) Bookkeeper

6) Foreign Language Teacher

7) Business Education Teacher

8) Parks & Recreation Manager

9) Community Service Director

10) Speech Pathologist

So basically I'm destined to make no money and I might be a woman.

Twenty Ten

2010 was my first full calendar year back in America and I very much appreciated being able to absorb all this entertainment.  Here were my favorites.

My Favorite Albums

1) Valencia - Dancing With A Ghost

I discovered this band this year, and immediately was smitten by their record from two years ago, which was written after the lead singer's girlfriend died in a car crash.  While that record was about the loss and mourning that comes from the fallout of death, Dancing With A Ghost is about what is left standing after the dust of tragedy clears - the hope for a brighter day shadowed by the discovery of an even greater darkness you weren't aware existed.  I have yet to experience the sense of loss that comes from losing someone close, but I know I'll have Valencia to turn to when the time comes.

2) The Graduate - Only Every Time

I waited three years not knowing if this band was going to ever make music again, but the wait was worth it - "Pull Me In" is the standout track, a song about the lead singer leaving his wife to head out on the road in order to support their life is one of the most beautiful I've heard - it's play-at-your-wedding worthy in my opinion.  My favorite album art of this list as well, it captures the sound of the album so well.

3) My Chemical Romance - Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys

How can you not like an album with that awesome of a name?  I usually hate 15-song albums because that means the fat hasn't been trimmed, but it was all meat on this album. 

4) The Narrative - Self-Titled

Fronted by two singers who met on Craigslist, The Narrative make me wonder why more bands don't have male and female vocals.  Probably because they wouldn't sound as good as these guys (and girl).  "Don't Want To Fall" is the most beautiful piano song by a female vocalist I've ever heard (so I've included it below).

5) He Is We - My Forever

Speaking of beautiful female vocals...this lead singer is like Taylor Swift in that she's blonde and sings about love songs.  She's unlike Taylor Swift in that she can sing live and writes awesome love songs.

6) The Maine - Black & White

I love their play on words ("I did the right thing to the wrong girl", "growing up won't bring us down") which are so simple but work.

7) Two Door Cinema Club - Tourist History

The definition of catchy.  These guys can shred.

8) Neon Trees - Habits

They make me proud to live in Utah.  There is not a single who person who hasn't liked "Animal" after I introduced it to them.  And I've introduced that song to a lot of people. 

9) Mercy Mercedes - Believe It

Sugar-sweet pop-rock done right.  I love how this band has guitar solos.  Points down for the lame album art.

10) Gorillaz - Plastic Beach

Is there a sicker start to a song than "Stylo"s beat? Found this album's instrumentals stimulating to my ears.

My Favorite Movies

1) The Town - Good year for Boston movies - it feels like a different country because the culture/accents are so different. Ben Affleck has come a long way from Gigli.

2) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part I - I usually don't enjoy the movies, but this one had great humor, was so stunning visually (seriously, where did they shoot?), and wasn't constrained by trying to jam 700 pages into 2 1/2 hours - I loved the pacing and the character development between the trio.

3) Inception - Coolest movie ending ever?

4) The King's Speech - The only movie on this list to make me cry. Amazing, amazing performances from Colin Firth and Geoffrey Rush - wow.  Like The Social Network, the premise is quite ordinary, but unlike The Social Network, this movie made it come alive.

5) The Ghost Writer - Second coolest ending this year. And a good twist thrown in. More people need to see this movie.

6) Scott Pilgrim vs. The World - The most fun I had in a movie theater this year. Michael Cera is the idol of awkward adolescents everywhere. Ramona Flowers is my type of woman (that's her on the right).

7) Catfish - The best twist of the year (and it came from a documentary). Made me laugh and gave me the creeps. It's also why I will never try online dating.

8) True Grit - Nice storytelling - took many unexpected twists and turns for me.  Hailee Steinfield for Katniss in the new Hunger Games movie!  Girl can act.

9) It's Kind Of A Funny Story - Actually was a funny story and now I have a crush on Emma Roberts.

10) The Fighter - Another great immerse-yourself-in-the-world-of-Massachusetts movie.  Some of the fight scenes were actually really poorly staged for me, but Christian Bale made me forget about them very quickly.

Favorite animated movie: Toy Story 3 - Really refreshing to see Pixar put real effort into this knowing even with a terrible product they would've made millions (see: Shrek 3).  I was a little disappointed I didn't cry after I heard everyone else did. 

Favorite indie film: Monsters - a very different, slower-paced take on alien invasions. Great chemistry between the leads as well.

My Favorite Book

The New York Regional Mormon Singles Halloween Dance (A Memoir) by Elna Baker

Made being a Mormon funny and interesting instead of boring as it can tend to be (and tends to be perceived).  Did make me wonder if all girls are as obsessed with love as she is though.

My Favorite New TV Show

Terriers

A P.I. show with great chemistry between the leads, crazy plot twists (I can think of several instances where I gasped or shouted "no!" at the TV), and a satisfying finale.  And it was cancelled.  I don't understand why people didn't flock to this, there were no good new shows on the networks this fall.  

My Favorite Company

Amazon

Their MP3 division offered an alternative to iTunes that was better in every way - no tax, daily deals ($6.99 is not a deal, Apple), awesome $5 digital albums that change every month, handed out MP3 credits throughout the year.  A music-lover's wet dream.  Oh, and they gave all college students free two-day shipping for a year.    

Side note: My least favorite company changes this year were Netflix removing its friend feature and Facebook's new profile that doesn't have the text box where I can jot down the emo lyrics that are affecting me at this time in my life (hence their new appearance on the right of my blog).

My Favorite YouTube Video

This represents everything wrong with the Millennial Generation, but boy is it funny (and there's 3 parts!).  This girl had some sort of video channel and was addressing her "haters" who were leaving her nasty comments.

She has some great phrases: I've wanted to make I'll pop a glock in your mouth and make a brain slushee" a shirt for a long time now.  Haters: I'm not 9, I'm 11.  Suck my non-existing penis. Get AIDS and die.

But if haters don't phase her then why is she having a breakdown (cue the unintentionally funny protective father who doesn't know a thing how this Internet thing works)....

You done goof'd.  No more needs to be said.  Now for the grande finale...

The dad makes it - I love the consequences line - you can tell he really wants to tell these kids off and he's halfway there, but then he's like, oh crap this sentence isn't going to make sense, but I just have to go with it.  I don't know just the idea of a dad yelling at a computer screen is quite amusing to me.  I just hope he doesn't use the cypberpolice to backtrack this blog post.  I'm praying for a web redemption on Tosh.O.  And yes, I know I'm a terrible person for deriving pleasure from this girl's pain.